I don’t like external mess because, internally, my mind is a mess. I wouldn’t call it OCD. because that sounds super serious but something pretty similar, I guess. A neat freak? I like to challenge the parts of myself that feel out of my control. These habits control me, and I notice it. I notice them take over my life, and I’d like them not to. I want to live a life where I’m not annoyed at the sight of mess, because mess is good. It really, really is.
You know why? Because it means someone is living there. Someone is alive, breathing, making that mess. Hopefully, you love them so much that it doesn’t matter what kind of mess they make. I hope you find gratitude in the fact that they’re even there to make one. Mess means home.
That doesn’t mean you should clean up after them. Do their laundry only if you’re feeling sweet that day. Ask them to squeeze the sponge after washing the dishes, nicely. Tell them it would mean the world to you if they took out the garbage.
I started this photo diary of our dining table. I know it’s an inanimate object, but I don’t see it that way. I love this table. I think objects can come to life when we realize how much they’ve witnessed. Makeup sessions. Late-night tears. Early morning giggle attacks over coffee. This table has seen everything. And one day, it’ll be gone. We’ll be gone.
I feel nostalgic because, one day, I won’t be here. One day, there won’t be flowers to put on top of it. I get sad thinking about that. I want to hold on to everything but life doesn’t really work like that.
I think my roommates and I have done our makeup on this table more than we’ve actually eaten at it. Capturing our table like this made me appreciate mess in a way I never thought I could.. with so much love
Photo 1
All I remember from this night is that Azeya and I came home from work feeling humbled by life. I just felt heavy. Sometimes the human experience is just that: heavy. Overwhelming. Some days feel so hard you wonder how you’re supposed to keep doing this for another 60 or so years.
We laughed about life’s trials, acknowledged our pain, our effort, the delayed prayers, the degrees and dreams we’re working toward. Trying to stay grounded, and topping up our faith in the unknown. Trusting the universe is a practice.
I talked about how I want to enjoy the journey, to walk this path with lightness in my heart. But the heaviness creeps in sometimes, and I’m learning to give myself grace when my demons come out to play. How do I make them my friends? Carl Jung called this “shadow work.” I do mine by smoking joints and crying.
We talked about life before life and the afterlife, over peanut butter and banana toast at 2am. That conversation triggered a memory for Azeya, something from when she was really young or maybe even before that.
She remembered all the souls lining up to come to Earth. We slid down a giant slide without knowing where we were going. “All the souls went down,” she said. As a kid, she’d always talk about this slide. a big red blow-up one coming from the clouds down to Earth.
Photo 2
The morning after azeya and i got toasted.i woke up my stomach hurts and its from laughing so hard. Since i had such a bad day the day before i rewarded myself with a latte, after I told myself no more store-bought lattes. I can make my own. But coffee just tastes better when someone else makes it.
Photo 3
Azeys Amazon haul: collagen and chocolate matcha snacks. They were really good.
Photo 4
Morning tea and finding wisdom in insecurity.
Photo 5
I came home to Marley baking. That little branch in a mason jar? A sweet old woman gave it to me while we waited for lattes. She was cradling it under her jacket. I asked what it was she didn’t know. She just said, “It’ll bloom soon.”
Photo 6 
im tired
Photo 7
Getting ready with the girls. I was filling out paperwork to plead guilty for a texting-and-driving ticket and asking for an extension (and a reduction).
One of the questions was, “Why are you asking for a reduction?” the honest to god truth? I just didn’t want to pay the full amount if I didn’t have to. And I wanted more time. But what I actually wrote was:
“I am facing financial difficulties.”
If you look closely, the handwriting changes there.. I made Azeya write that part because she doesn’t believe in the law of attraction, and I do. I didn’t want to put that out into the universe myself. Just in case.
“As a student” (I was doing a Pilates course, so technically true), “paying rent” (also true), “and managing living expenses” llike my two gym memberships, organic groceries, supplements, curl cream...
I didn’t want to go to court. I also didn’t want to pay on time if I didn’t have to. But this is the consequence of my own actions. So I’ll pay. Eventually.
Photo 8
Our very first house party for our friends Ty and Nate, who left the island to start fresh somewhere new.
I’ve never seen our house so clean. It stayed clean for an entire week before the party. Azeya was so anxious she randomly got vertigo… which disappeared as soon as the party ended.
Photo 9
A few friends came over and brought us flowers. We decided: from now on, anytime we go to someone’s house, we’ll bring flowers too.
Photo 10
After Tuesday night. I had the day off and shot some content with Em for the brand. We opened wine at 1pm. Marley and Riley were off too, so we went for patio drinks… then tattoos? but we went to karaoke instead . More friends joined.
By 11pm my social battery was dead. Em, Azeya, and I created an escape plan. We bailed before peer pressure took us to another bar.
Azeya and I craved egg salad. Comfort food. We had no bread. I was spinning. I couldn’t get off the floor. I felt anxious and disappointed in myself. I felt everything. We ate the egg salad.. no bread.
Photo 11
Almond chocolate milk, our tomato plant doing so well, and smoothie.
Photo 12
"hey dude want to collab on dinner and do laundry?"
Photo 13
empty...